Brick

There aren't any preconceived notions in my mind of how this should go. I am not really that well versed in this type of discussion. I feel very repressed because when I was growing up no one ever talked about sex. I had to learn it all on my own. This is my first time doing this. Not sex, just this. I'm not an idiot. I don't even care that much I'm just scared. I'm being selfish thinking about me and how I'll feel. It's physical. I don't really think I'm less of a woman because I don't feel attached. Hopefully, this will be my last. The fear and apprehension with which I approach this isn't apparent to anyone but me. My boyfriend doesn't even know. I am not going to tell him, because why? I just can't. He thinks I went to stay with Michelle for the weekend. She is in Arizona and I am using her apartment. I can't drive but I will figure it out. A cab won't be that much. I think if I told my boyfriend he would try to change my mind. People named Chad always try to change your mind. People might want to know why or how I got in this mess. People make mistakes and it could have been worse. There are many things I want to say and this isn't precious, but it also isn't an easy decision. It is no one's decision but my own. It feels wrong to say its my own. It feels selfish. Am I not allowed to be? Taking care of myself is beneficial to all involved. What good would even come of this in the years that followed? No one would have a good life, but call me selfish if you want. This sounds pathetic and whiny like I'm a little girl. It is in moments like this that I feel little and the irony sets in and I feel free.

It is poetic justice in a way.

There are things I would like to say to you but I don't know how. An Oasis quote sounds trite in this context, but everything sincere usually does. Do I do it the old fashioned way or do I get a shot? I don't really know. It might hurt but then I wonder how hurtful a lifetime I can't provide or promise I will be present for would be. This isn't anyone else's decision. I am scared. You know, it feels like I am the first one to do this. It feels like no one has done this before me although I know full well that they have.

People make mistakes and get drunk. I know this won't be my whole life but right now it is.

In a year I will be on a beach, with a pina colada in my hand not thinking about this ever happening. I will be talking to my parents about college. My mother will look over at me and ask if I ever want kids. If Chad would be a good father.

I think he will.